Rules

Regions:

Xu Zhou

Luo Yang

Chang An

Bo Hai

Jing Zhou

Shu

Wu

Wei

Downloads

Contact

Map of the Chang Sha region.

Making haste to Chang Sha, we relieve the lazy Guan Yu who we find gluttoning himself in his palace. He mentions through a full mouth that Zhang Fei has gathered intelligence on the enemy.

Wondering just what kind of "intelligence" that dullard could possibly have, we march on Gui Yang. He tells us in surprisingly full sentences that Sun Quan of Wu has the Imperial Seal and has declared himself emperor. But, there's more. Cao Pi, Cao Cao's son, has usurped the throne and has declared himself emperor as well. He concludes that Liu Bei has summoned us to Cheng Du castle. What the hell? If Liu Bei sent a letter here telling us to come back, why didn't he just send orders instead? Wouldn't that be quicker? Some gifted domestic officer he is.

You know what? That's fine with us. We really don't feel like fighting here. Let the oath brothers care for themselves!

Returning to Cheng Du, Liu Bei bellows at us that we're supposed to be defending Jing Zhou from the Wu invasion! We wish this jackass would make up his mind. He's going to be sorry, after we conquer China for him and then grind his intestines underfoot to celebrate.

All in due time, all in due time. Making the trek back to Wu Ling, Fan Zhang and Chen Wu retreat as soon as they see our reinforcements. Scurrying away, Fan Zhang yells over his shoulder that Wei has an alliance with Wu. That's just great. However, how can they have an alliance when they both claim to be emperor?

Whatever. We find Ling Tong and Wu Fan occupying Ling Ling castle. It really is no trouble capturing it again. Maybe there are no generals of renown left for us to kill.

Going back to Cheng Du to report our successes, Liu Bei is inflamed at the idea of two emperors scheming together. Not to be outdone, he declares himself emperor also and instructs us to invade Wu and Wei. Wow, we didn't see that coming.

Strolling into Gui Yang once again, we conscript the women and children into making a bridge for us.

Map of the Wu region.

As our invasion begins, we spy a small cave off in the distance. Distracted by thoughts of personal gain, we only find some saltpeter inside.

Arriving shortly at Jian An, Gan Ning and Lu Su are waiting for us with 15,000 troops. They are powerful, but will need more allies to stand up to us.

Never a bloody bridge when you need one.

Victorious, we see that our way of access to inner Wu has been blocked by a small canal. An old coot inside the castle tells us that we can clog the canal by blowing up the mountain with a mixture of saltpeter, his own sulfur, and the branch of a one thousand year old tree. Luckily, another old coot has a tree such as this. We cut it down and grab a branch. The first guy then runs off, blows up the mountain cutting off the water feed to the canal, and returns as if this is an everyday occurrence. Wondering why the inhabitants of Wu are so eager to help invading armies, we press on.

Hui Ji is ably defended by 17,000 soldiers led by Zhou Yu, Gu Yong and Kan Ze. What makes us especially nervous is that Zhou Yu knows the tactic An Sha (assassination), which kills a general in one shot if successful. Fortunately, Ma Liang is well versed in this tactic as well.

Yan Yan's troops are actually wiped out in the battle from the enemy's abundant use of water tactics (they threw salmon). However, the rest of us prevail in a tough fight and take Hui Ji fortress.

Setting off on the ludicrous path to Wu castle, we are harried at every turn by Sun Quan's lackeys. Although they all have superior troop numbers to our own, they are soundly defeated during each counter-attack. We have to retreat a few times to Jian An to replenish our soldiers, but nobody has to know about that, ok?

Eventually arriving at Wu, we're surprised to see Zhuge Liang's twerp brother, Zhuge Jin leading the defenses! Zhuge Liang seems upset as we try to kill Jin, but he can't say anything being tied up and dragged behind Wu Yi's steed.

Speaking of Wu Yi, he and Zhang Ren get their asses kicked in the fight because of more of those blasted water tactics. Through power pils, the rest of us come out on top, naturally.

These fights ARE getting tougher. We demand a raise!

After regaining our strength inside, some guy named Lu Meng threatens us that if we invade Wu, we will fail. What a dolt! Up to now we've just been on vacation and we're going to start the invasion....now. Hah, leaving that feeb to his own devices, we make a path through the mountains to Po Yang fortress. Before leaving, we manage to track down and capture Zhou Yu, Fan Zhang, and Gan Ning, adding them to our army.

Map of the Jin Du region.

Coming through the cave and claiming none of it's shoddily- constructed treasures while inside, we move far north to Po Yang fortress. Ding Feng thinks he can deny us our victory at the first gate. He's very wrong. Behind him, Cheng Pu, Zhang Zhao, and Bu Xi mount a somewhat effective defense. However, defeat is swift and decisive for them. Lu Meng is here again, telling us not to attack any further. Ignoring that bloody fool, we march onward to Jin Du. There, Huang Gai meets us alone. He's not bad, but alone he's got nothing more to do other than make his time. The story is different at Jin Du, however. Sun Yu, Zhang Hong, and Zhu Zhi counter-attack with about 35,000 men to our 23,000. Fan Zhang falls during the pitched battle, but we prove to be the superior army once again. Inside Jin Du, Lu Meng finally decides to attack us. Sun Quan employs tactical dunces because his generals have no chance to survive when they fight us alone. The populace here complains of brigands living in a house to the south. They promise treasure if we kill them. Maybe we can subjugate them instead!

Dwelling in the little ranch are 51,000 pirates! We're outnumbered 2.5:1! Gan Ning snarls, "Never tell me the odds," and dives in. The tactic Ji Mian comes in handy here and we emerge without a scratch.

Returning to Jin Du, we are disappointed to find that our reward is one of the lame swords manufactured from that loser blacksmith a while back.

Damn thing would probably break in battle.

Seems that there is only one more spot that pretender to the throne Sun Quan could be hiding: Jian Ye.

Map of the Jian Ye region.

The first line of defense is Sun Yi, alone (not Woody Allen's Sun Yi). Easy enough.

Next we have Zhou Tai and Xue Zong. No problemo!

Third up is Sun Huan, Xu Sheng, and Lu Ji. The first two are tough, but not tough enough for the likes of Liu Bei's mercenary army.

At the castle, Taishi Ci and Lu Sun lie in wait for us. It's a hard-fought battle, but all of us survive it. However, before we can behead them, we're immediately beset by Sun Quan! He refuses to surrender and fights to the death.

We claim Wu as our own!

One kingdom down, one to go. Liu Bei arrives and is beside himself with excitement. He orders us to take the fight to the heart of Wei and kill Cao Pi. Little does Liu Bei know that there will be a nasty surprise for him when we're done with Cao Cao's progeny.